Diving into the divine.

As much as I hate to admit,
I have fallen into the pit
the deep, dark, hopeless pit
called depression


Disheartening as it may sound
I like it here
I am comfortable here
I learned plenty here


So forgive me, if
I seem reluctant to come up
There is nothing left for me
and they could only love so much


In the bathtub
Staring into timed taps of water drops
the sound to which I found safety
and home


The water drops
slow but certain, and infinite
And I am certainly patient
for my moment to dive.


I have fallen into this abyss
so you, my dear, have to find another
Here I stay
so you will never fall in, too.

Please leave

Oh you
the love of my life
I surrendered my heart to you


An aspiring healer
through the fog of your vulgarity
I searched for you


You scorched my patience
stretched my faith
eventually


For a single wrong
I was abandoned
How simple


You left me wondering
Waiting
Writhing


And you returned, with similar ease
as when you left
oh you


I may have lost the one I loved
But you have lost
the one who loved you

Aida K.

If I see you again
I will not explain anything
I will not explain myself
We're way past that.

If I see you again
I will never ask what happened
Between us
Warm, then cold days later

If I see you again
I will ask of the present
and wish for a future
Our guard is up, I should know

If I see you again
I will wonder if you will ever know
or if you will want to hear
How could you, you're way past that

If I see you again
I will keep my distance
as you yours
I will hurt you no more.

If I see you again.

Expensive

if one of us has to go
i’d rather hope you go first

at least i could be there for you
for the rest of your life

and loneliness to you
is solitude to me

a second spent on me
is a second repaid to you

for the rest of my life
i am eternally indebted

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence

If only
memories locked in
recorded taps on ivories
would stay where it belongs

It would not have rained
despite the scorching sun
and the river
remain dammed.

I tire
of memories
coming and leaving
as it pleases

Why did I lie?

"Conveniently amused
and lively laughter,
almost always lonely,"
you said

Loud for a sizable public
Specific to present subject
Either truth or imagination
.. me.

You knew my safe place
Aisles of inked bound papers
A balance between solitude
and selective chatters.

Silly me
why did I lie-
"Past tense?"
As if.

Oh I love you still
Jokes ever so disappointing
Open yet private
The Chakra to my Fissure

Fear has its cost.
The one that got away
Away you go, now
to she who sees you better.

Acrophobia.

Brightest I am not
sloth, almost a vice
Brighter I would have been
if I burn more

Staked to the ground
but dreams infinite
Mind averse to silence
with chaos barely contained

The higher I go
the deeper I curl
You look up to me
but it is you I revered

I have little to give
owned none worthy of pride
to you I am stable
to me I am a shame

Why do you regard me so highly
I am only grounded
All I give was empathy
for I could not offer better

To another phase.

For all the smiles I have lost for so long
For the excited faces you always see
For the dad jokes you disappoint me with
For that 'oh' when you saw my eyes that day

Thank you

for being the father
that I will never let in deep
but would trust just the same

Saved when it began
Relieved when it ended
Shorter and it would feel incomplete
Longer and I wouldn't let go

Time for me to go
my time is done-
but should our paths cross
disappoint me with your dad jokes again.

King of all kings.

You

are the trustworthy grip

of my father's

You

are the gentle stroke through the hair

mother does, when I am disturbed

You

are my unanswered prayers

as well as my answered ones

You

are the temporary tutorials

in friends, in foes, in between

in every heartbreak

in every bliss

I have been hoping that

You would come

and secure me in Your love

Only to realise I failed

to see, and I do now

that You never left at all.

Bedtime stories.

I am always there
to listen
what better way to peek
than to listen?

If you could only hear
the smile that is in their voice
They are defined
by what they love and see

Tell me more
for your stories has now
become my bedtime stories
scars and lessons learnt.

I will be listening,
always.

Otōsan.

Otōsan,
5 years, 6 birthdays
Do you look down sometimes?
Because I still need you

Was that you in my dreams?
Securing me in embrace
Destroying my Berlin Wall
'let it go,' you said

It does not get better, Otōsan.
I just toss everything like Tiny did
Far away and damaging upon impact
to the unsuspecting

The budding men in my life
are guardians in place of you
and I am an unfortunate lesson
for the daughter they will grow.

Otōsan,
5 years, 6 birthdays
The more I have grown
The lesser I understand.

A Timeline Overlapped.

For him
already 2 years in
of a loss deemed irreplaceable
a friendship set on fire.
I had worst, I said; but how am I to know-

I am only a stranger, looking in his window
of a depression he called home.

~

For me
it was 3 months in
of an irreversible turmoil
of a magnitude only understood after a messy escape.
I am so done with her, you said; but how were you to know-

You only see as far as today, a chapter
of a story much is still unwritten.

~

When it starts for you
it is a slope growing steeper over years.
Even a support needs support
and you succumb into anger.
You left her alone, they said; but how were they to know-

A kind only sees their kind, and you are not
A sturdy mountain is always alone.

***

When I get into his shoes,
his past becomes my present.
Get into mine-
hopefully the wisdom of my pain
will guide you to the way out.

Collide.

You are
the broken pieces
when your heart and mind
collide

You crumble
barely held together with nocturnal tears
hold it in
hold that smile

You cracked a smile
I cracked within
Just an act
from a seasoned actor

Wipe off that smile, just once
and cry if need be-
I'll smile for each of your tomorrow,
so you would smile with me-

Because I love you
and each of your broken pieces
when your heart and mine
collide.

No records.

Ended
before it even began.


The story of us
is sealed in a poetry mediocre
of mine


Nothing to make it
black and white


There will be no
marriage registration
purchase of a home
new birth certificates
vacation tickets
anything
to prove that we exist.


We are nothing more
than a one-sided poetry
that never made the record.


We are just a poetry-
that never made it to history.

At present.

At present
pulled from both sides-
of you, and me, till we perish
and to walk, to another island undiscovered.


At present
your name, in wishes kept in heavens
not of having you-
but of you beaming in bliss.


Like a flower
driven to grow between stones
I want you to thrive
to grow
more beautiful than you already are
at present.

The first time.

Through the glass doors

Hesitant steps

Doubtful eyes

Oh, pretty hijab. And shirt.

Whoa, simmer down the stress.

Damn girl, too loud!

Finally,

I found you.

I am walking, but

in my head, I am running

as if returning

from a war zone.

Face to face we sat

Bags unloaded

Urgency filled the air

And a feeling bloomed-

one I never knew

existed.

At home, at ease

All safe and sound.

Drowned.

Eternally silenced
by a voice in my head
"speak,
and you are nothing."


Speak, I shan't.
Selfish is me,
if I speak.


This reservoir of tears
will be forever dammed.


I have found comfort
in holding it in
that even my voice drowned.


On my side
on a pillow so strong, bearing
a mind heavy of noise and despair
knees to stomach
and arms folded
fighting the cold, within and without.


I am sorry, dear one; but
my voice is gone.

Unload.

A distance of 3 hours
and mother's worry
and privilege of time


kept us apart.


if we meet each other
will I crumble?

all the words
I am too weary to type
will you hear it?

my midnight tears
will they fall at your sight?


I just want to see you
and talk to you
until 3am becomes 4am
and so it ticks


I just want to fall apart before you.


Allow me to break before you now-
come dawn, I will rise with the Sun.

Remind me again.

"have you been gaining weight?"

Thank you

for reminding me

that I am fat.

I'm sorry, but the cakes are delicious.

that no guy will love me for me.

I'm sorry, that I am not pretty enough.

that it is the first thing noticed.

I'm sorry, I suck at making good impressions.

that the world only wants superficial things.

I'm sorry, I am not in the back of your head.

Will you jeer when I want to exercise?

Or will you cheer me on?

After all, the world wants

healthy sized girls.

I wish you didn't remind me

of what I can't be.

Tunes.

When Imagine Dragon's Amsterdam plays,
I remember how you wanted to go there.
When McFly's Love is Easy plays,
I remember how much you loved the band.
When Paramore's Still Into You plays,
I remember how you sang to it happily when you drive.

All these songs
they remind me of you,
and so I miss you-

but here
is where those words will remain.

How could a commoner
be with a prince?

I don't believe in fairy tales.